Meeting New People

I find meeting new people to be exceptionally challenging.
I consider myself psychologically disabled, and there are many stigmas associated with mental illness.
I’m afraid of most people.
When I find someone I may have something in common with, I become fearful that I will fuck it up prior to anything actually happening. This holds me back in many ways. It’s only amplified when I find someone I know I have nothing in common with (re: most people in this state).

I found a girl/lady on Facebook through a Nerdy Girls group, with whom I may have something in common.  Her husband may or may not be transgendered.  (How dare you WordPress for telling me that is spelled incorrectly!  [But then again, it also considers its own name to be misspelled.])

I lived a wild life, chasing a trans heart breaker, for about three years.  We met online while I was in college at a progressive girls-only school.  It was fated from the start.  He made fun of me and I fell in love.  He was LJ friends with my fat slob of a roommate, a girl I still resent, as she stole several things from me and had nasty messy sex on my bed.  Anyway, I fell for him, and I guess I’ll never really know how he felt about me, because I’m forbidden to talk to him, for a good reason.

I always knew I was different in some way pertaining to my sexuality – I just didn’t have a label at the time: pansexual, or queer, until I went to that college and joined a ‘queer’ group, Out There.

Despite my being in a monogamous and heterosexual relationship right now, I still feel this is an important part of who I am.   My attraction to ‘other’ is unavoidable, and it’s not even sexual, it’s just an “ahh, someone else who understands what this is like”.  I know that I will never personally feel the amount of persecution that many other people feel, but I am an ally, through and through, and want to wear that proudly but am afraid to do so.  Having been in a long-term relationship with someone who struggled intensely with gender issues and societal constructs, I feel a definite sense of kinship with those who are part of a larger community with which I cannot retain membership at this time.  I feel like an outcast in both worlds: I’m not gay and I’m not straight.  I’m in a hetero relationship with a man who, while very loving and understanding, whose opinion I have influenced greatly regarding equality, will never understand how I feel on this, and will generally feel a bit of shame, because he thinks he can never be what I look for in a person.  Just because he is biologically one thing doesn’t mean that what he is as a whole isn’t good enough for me: it certainly is.

And here I have lost my original train of thought, as usual.

Well, I WANT to meet people like me, I’m just too frightened to put myself out there.  Frightened on several different levels.  I don’t want to make my husband feel alienated.  I don’t want to seem as though I am flirting with anyone.  I just want friends who understand me.

I love my friends, but most of them don’t understand me very much at all.

With one of my female friends I have a very distant relationship, despite us living geographically near each other, because we have very different lives and histories, and I’m always afraid of showing my hand.

And so, here I am, alone, at home, alone… in general I am quite tortured.  I do most of the torturing, of course, but that doesn’t make it any less real.


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